Honey, Don't You Weep

Mood: Somber
Music: Bright Eyes - "Easy/Lucky/Free"
Medicine: GI Physiology

I should be studying right now, but I keep procrastinating. Of course, when I procrastinate, I often turn to music. I have literally wasted hours just listening to songs, listening to the lyrics, and contemplating the feelings that the artist is trying to convey.

This brings me to Bright Eyes. A friend from back home introduced them to me. And I have to say, the lyrical talent of the lead singer Conor Oberst is beyond all words. There is a deep pain and emptiness in his heart, and he expresses it through his music. I wonder... does writing the pain down act as a means of catharsis? Does he feel better? Or does putting pen to the page make it all the more tangible, and difficult?

He questions existence. And to me, there is nothing more painful than feeling that level of hopelessness. On first listen, I thought "Easy/Lucky/Free" sounded slightly hopeful. But after hearing it several times, I realize it's wrought with emptiness and numbness. The singer questions the purpose of life... is there any? Is it meaningless? Are we all scurrying about on this planet with no ultimate point? Is there an afterlife? These are the thoughts that seem to constantly plague Conor Oberst.

Below are the lyrics... and an introspective look at what each line means. Be forewarned: this is not for the feint of heart. If you don't want to be depressed, stop reading now. Here are the lyrics

Did it all get real? I guess it's real enough
They got refrigerators full of blood
Another century spent pointing guns
At anything that moves
Sometimes I worry that I've lost the plot
my twitching muscles tease my flippant thoughts
I never really dreamed of heaven much
Until we put him in the ground
But it's all I'm doing now
Listening for patterns in the sound
Of an endless static sea
But when the satellite's deceased
It blows like garbage through the streets
Of the night sky to infinity

But don't you weep (Don't you weep for them)
Don't you weep (Don't you weep)
There is nothing as lucky

Honey, don't you weep (Don't you weep for them)

Don't you weep (Don't you weep)

There is nothing as lucky

As easy

Or free

Don't be a criminal in this police state
You'd better shop and eat and procreate
You've got vacation days, and you might escape
To a condo on the coast
I set my watch to the atomic clock
I hear the crowd count down until the bomb gets dropped
I always figured there'd be time enough
I never let it get me down
But I can't help it now
Looking for faces in the clouds
I've got some friends I barely see
But we're all planning to meet
We'll lay in bags as dead as leaves
All together, for eternity

But don't you weep (Don't you weep for them)

Don't you weep (Don't you weep)

There is nothing as lucky

Honey, don't you weep (Don't you weep for them)

Don't you weep (Don't you weep)

There is nothing as lucky

As easy

Or free

Or free... or free... or free...
There is nothing...

---
Here is an interpretation of the song... It's pretty deep. Enjoy.

Did it all get real? I guess it's real enough - speaking of the surreality of life, death, and existence, and how the question of it all strikes a chord deep within him. Is there meaning? Is it pointless? He resolves to say it's real enough.

They got refrigerators full of blood, another century spent pointing guns at anything that moves - Referring to what our "reality" is. We have pushed medical science so far in the last century, literally storing refrigerators with blood to save lives. And with all the advances, and all of man's ability to cure, humanity is obsessed with hatred and violence. Our 'refrigerators' are filled with blood in an attempt to save us from ourselves.

Sometimes I worry that I've lost the plot - Oberst feels lost and confused. Once again, what is the meaning of existence?

My twitching muscles tease my flippant thoughts - he's tense, nervous, and neurotic

I never really dreamed of heaven much until we put him in the ground - he never really thought about the afterlife until the death of his close friend

But it's all I'm doing now, listening for patterns in the sound of an endless static sea - He is consumed by life, death, and existence. This "endless static sea" represents the nonstop, 24/7 nature of the lives people are caught up in... like the static of a radio, bustling and busy, never silent. He is searching for an answer. But no matter how he searches, he can't find one in this "endless static sea".

But when the satellite's deceased, it blows like garbage through the streets of the night sky to infinity - But even with the ever moving nature of our lives, they will end. Life is transient. Like a satellite, one day its transmission ends, and it floats off through "the streets of the night sky to infinity". Is our existence like that? Once our transmission ends, do we just float off into the ethers? Where do we go? Our entire lifetime we spend working for something. We have a goal for our life. A dream. A mission. Is it all just garbage?

But don't you weep, there is nothing as lucky, as easy, or free - But don't be sad about the thought of death, because even if there may be nothingness after, the true hell is this life... and passing on is the only freedom from that pain. Whenever people have near death experiences, they always describe it as that: easy and free. Calming. And if there is something that comes afterwards, well then we have something to look forward to beyond this rat race of life.

Don't be a criminal in this police state. You'd better shop and eat and procreate. You've got vacation days, and you might escape to a condo on the coast - We are governed by rules set for us, we're told how to live our lives. To be a consumer and feed into the emptiness of consumption. To act like being a part of that is what really matters. People live their lives looking forward to a pay check, so they can just spend it on something arbitrary that brings temporary happiness. Keep contributing to the corporate wheel. And look, you've got vacation days, too! How lucky you are to escape to a "condo on the coast" for a while. Look forward to your next vacation.

I set my watch to the atomic clock, I hear the crowd count down until the bomb gets dropped - with the devastation we leave behind us as a collective whole, we're setting the time for our own destruction. Oberst is looking forward to the end, setting his watch to the atomic clock. Waiting for a release from this. You get the feeling that if we faced an apocalypse, he would sit back and welcome its arrival.

I always figured there'd be time enough, I never let it get me down - he stays hopeful, thinking that there's time to live his life to its fullest.

But I can't help it now - but now, once again, all his thoughts are bent on existence. He doubts his own feelings that he can actually attain happiness.

Looking for faces in the clouds - he turns his gaze upwards, searching for the existence of something after, hoping there is something, but not finding it. But still, he wants it to be true. To his core, he wants to believe that there is something more than this life.

I've got some friends I barely see, but we're all planning to meet. We'll lay in bags as dead as leaves, all together for eternity - though his physical body may reach an end, he looks forward to the afterlife, where he can spend time with loved ones for eternity.

The song ends with "There is nothing", once again repeating the phrase that resonates deep within him, that shatters his strength and resolve.

---

Whew...

Hope you enjoyed the deep and emotionally charged lyrics like I did. And I hope you enjoyed my interpretation of them.

"But don't you weep"

To Live Anatomy

Mood: Happy

Music: Stars- "Reunion"

Medicine: GI Physiology

Happy New Year! I don't really have too much to write at the moment, though I suppose a lot has happened since my last post. We finished with the first anatomy test on the chest and thorax, I had a great 2 weeks relaxing with friends and family, and I had a wonderful New Year's Eve! Okay, so I spent NYE in my room watching "how i met your mother", but it was far greater than it sounds! I partied the night before, so I just wanted to relax and do my own thing. In any case, over the break, I watched a good 5 seasons of that show, so I feel pretty accomplished.

A new year is as good a time as any to reflect on the previous year. Overall, there were a lot of changes. But the most important change was medical school. And as challenging as it may have been so far, it is worth it. Every long day studying, every hour pouring over anatomy books, every minute spent rereading a sentence because I didn't understand it the first time- all worth it. Well... maybe not the extra minutes used clearing up a difficult concept. But still, in essence, all the time I devote to my studies has been well worth it. Sure, I would love to spend time hanging out rather than studying (I sense a recurring theme here), but again and again it never fails to amaze me how much I love what I'm studying. Thanks 2010! Let's hope 2011 turns out to be a good year, too.

As a reflection of this past year, and technically because it's an extra credit assignment, I took some time to write a little over a page about the day leading up to my first dissection. It is written below. Enjoy!

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I stand at my locker, peering nervously around at my colleagues. What was it like, I want to ask them. Will it be hard to be around it? To cut into it? “It” was once a person too, I silently remind myself. Still, I can’t overcome the feeling of uncertainty and anxiousness. But despite my nervousness and fear, I feel as though I’m brimming with excitement. This is what my entire life has culminated to; this is what I have wanted for so long. I finally have the chance to experience human anatomy. To live human anatomy. There is nothing more important than what that thought entails. My entire past, and my entire future, is built on this year. No pressure, Ian. I take a deep breath, slip on my lab coat over my scrubs, and begin the descent to the anatomy lab. In the distance, I can hear the faint bustle of chatter. As I curve down the stairs and down the halls, it grows louder and louder. The cacophony finally peaks as I reach the lab door, punch in the security code, and swing open the door. I take one last deep breath.

As I step through the portal, I pause for a moment to take in the entire scene. Strewn about the room are tables- no, more like raised platforms- each carrying human bodies of many different shapes and sizes, all lying face down with their spinal chords exposed. Huddling around each body are two to five medical students, all completely enveloped in their own worlds, unaware of my sudden intrusion. The entire room is alive. At the far end of the room, I see couple of students placing textbooks strategically around their cadaver in preparation for teaching. At a table next to them, another two of my classmates are emphatically explaining various anatomical distinctions of the back, while a group listens intently. They seem so serious, yet so unaffected by the fact that a dead body is lying underneath them. Next to that group are two other students, considering a full model of a human skeleton, locked in intense debate and deliberation. I can’t help but shake off a smile. Well, this isn’t something you see every day, I chuckle to myself. So much life in the room, yet more death than I have ever encountered.

After scanning the area, I notice a couple of my friends working over a larger, African American man. I meander over to the body, and catch their attention.

“So, teach me everything about the back!” I say with a grin.

***

It wasn’t long before I was completely enthralled. Initially, I was so distracted by the thought that this man had once been alive, but was now pale and lifeless. I even felt momentarily dizzy when I glanced at his unnaturally pale palms and fingertips. I had to quickly look away, and focus on the words of my living cohorts. But now, as I lean over the cadaver, I am spellbound as my friends guide me anatomically step by step through the layers of the back muscles, right down to the spinal chord. As they had been explaining the anatomy to me over this past hour, I realized something. These people lying on the tables have donated their bodies to us, to be a part of our life, and a part of our future. There is nothing sinister or macabre about dissecting. There is no reason to be nervous. I have joined the ranks of an elite few who have the chance to participate in a life changing opportunity. And for that, I am eternally grateful. I am no longer afraid to dissect; in fact, quite the opposite. I look forward to every moment I will spend learning in the lab, for there is no better way to learn anatomy than to live it.

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"All I want is one more chance to be young and wild and free"