Waste of Paint

Mood: Thankful
Music: Bright Eyes - "Waste of Paint"
Medicine: Liver Pathology

Bright Eyes is a great band. As I've said before, Conor Oberst is a phenomenal lyricist. He doesn't have the best of voices... in fact, I'd be remiss if I didn't say that his voice is at times downright pitchy and awful. He is a lousy singer. Actually, I'd be more correct to say that he doesn't sing, but rather he talks his way through each song. Yet once you get past that, and accept his voice for what it is (dismally lacking... okay maybe I'm harping on him a bit too much), you realize that Conor is a genius. What he lacks in tonal prowess, he more than compensates for in emotional depth. Many would call his music emo. And yes, it IS quite emotional, but I prefer to think of it as "deeply introspective". Albeit to the point of self-loathing at times, his lyrics are powerful. His ability to turn inward and analyze his emotions is a quality that many artists (and in general, people) lack. And putting words to those emotions-- which he so masterfully does-- is what I love about his music.

The song "Waste of Paint" is one of my favorite songs by Bright Eyes. Really, there's nothing great about the music: there is a single acoustic guitar, which repeats the same three unremarkable riffs throughout the song (varying between verse, interlude, and chorus), backed by Conor's crude, scratchy voice. What makes it one of my favorites is the driving, repetitive melody paired with Conor's inner turmoil. The song itself is more of a story, or rather, a series of stories. He tells about an artist, a woman, his brother, a couple, and himself. He ties the stories together with a tragedy that plays vividly: the human fear of being alone and worthless. Whether we can or cannot identify entirely with his depression is irrelevant: we've all questioned some aspects of our lives, and we can perhaps in some way identify with the powerlessness that he feels.

Anyhow, my favorite story from the song is about the couple. It goes like this:

"Last few months I've been living with this couple. Yeah, you know the kind who buy everything in doubles. Oh, they fit together like a puzzle. And I love their love and I am thankful. That someone actually receives the prize that was promised. By all those fairy tales that drugged us. And they still do me, I'm sick lonely, no Laurel tree, just green envy. Will my number come up eventually? Like love's some kind of lottery, where you scratch and see what's underneath... it's sorry. 'Just one cherry. I'll play again! Get lucky.'"

There are two parts of this story. The first part is happy, upbeat, and makes you smile. The second becomes twisted, dark, and withdrawn. It's a masterpiece. You can see the clear transition in his mind. One moment he's appreciative for life, thankful in knowing that love does exist, and as he thinks more about love he becomes despondent, suddenly very aware of his loneliness. He only drives the knife deeper as the story continues. And he carries you along through his upheaval of emotions. This, to me, is art.

Ironically, I thought about this song when I saw a picture of a couple on facebook earlier today. They have been together since I first met them in freshman year of college. Over six years, and they still look so happy. And just as he said in the song, I am thankful. I love seeing two people share love. It makes me hopeful.

"Just one cherry. I'll play again! Get lucky..."

Restless

Mood: Restless
Music: Yellowcard - "Hang You Up"
Medicine: GI Pathology

Man, it's been a while since I've blogged anything. I've definitely been on quite a hiatus. And there's a reason: second year. Second year is taking most of my time up, so much so that I've forgotten to take time to blog my experiences and journey through medical school...

Much has certainly past, and I certainly don't have the time to expound upon it. I would love to, but I should be doing something else right now. Plus, that's not the reason I started this new post.

I started this post to say that sometimes... sometimes you just forget to have fun. Or at least I do. Sometimes I can get so wrapped up in the future, so wrapped up in having to prepare. That definitely has a place and time, but I forget to enjoy the moment, too. I get wrapped up in thinking about consequences of my actions, always too concerned for the repercussions. But I forget that I'm young, and that's not going to last all that much longer.

Yeah, I don't know what I'm saying. Maybe I wish I had time to spare. Time to lose. No. Time to waste. I miss wasting time. Wasting time with the ones I love. Sometimes I feel like I'm forgetting what that was like. And it seems as though everyone around me is forgetting that, too. I don't want to sound depressing, because I'm not upset. Just... restless I guess. And scatterbrained.

Gotta just keep pushing along.

"I turn my back on anyone who won't believe, and it gets lonely... still."

Mnemonics

Mood: Bewildered
Music: Okay Go - "WTF"
Medicine: Antimicrobials (Pharmacology)

Mnemonics, mnemonics, mnemonics. I used to shy away from using mnemonics, thinking to myself, "No! I should be able to memorize things, and not have to rely on a crutch." Who says a mnemonic will work, anyway? Because THEN you have to remember the mnemonic itself!

Then I took anatomy.

"I ate ten eggs at 12" ... "Some Anatomists Like F***ing... others prefer S & M" ... "Some Lovers Try Positions That They Can't Handle" ...I'm not even kidding. These mnemonics saved my life. And they're all common mnemonics among med students. Soon I was memorizing any mnemonic people could give me! If it made sense, and it worked, I would use it.

Now. I'm desperate for a mnemonic. And there are no good ones. Because everything sounds exactly the same.

Pharmacology is driving me NUTS. 15 different cephalosporins, all separated into 4 different groups that target different bacteria. All begin with "cef" or "ceph" and have names like "cefalotaxime" or "cefmandole" or "ceftriaxone". And I'm supposed to memorize not only these names, but what specific microbes they work against?

To be fair, the names are pretty fun to say out loud, so I can't get that mad.

Sorry, just ranting. That is all. A bunch of drugs to memorize, and very little time. Back to studying.

"I am trying to get my head around what the f*** is happening"

17 Ways to Improve Memorization

Mood: Content
Music: Mark Solveig feat. Dragonette - "Hello"
Medicine: Cardiovascular (trying to review)

I just stumbled into a list of 17 ways to help memorize material, courtesy of Virginia Tech. As a professional Memorizationalist (okay, I made that up), I can definitely say that I employ most of these strategies, and I can see how the other ones that I don't would certainly augment my ability to memorize. So, as a helpful hint to anyone who DOES need to memorize an overabundance of information, take a look!
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1. Understand thoroughly what is to be remembered and/or memorized
2. Spot what is to be memorized verbatim. It is a good plan to use a special marking symbol in text and notebook to indicate parts and passages, rules, data, and all other information that is to be memorized instead of just understood and remembered
3. If verbatim memory is required, go over the material or try to repeat at odd times.
4. Think about what you are trying to learn. Find an interest in the material if you wish to memorize it with ease.
5. Study first the items that you want to remember longest.
6. Learn complete units at one time, as that is the way it will have to be recalled.
7. Overlearn to make certain.
8. Analyze material and strive to intensify the impressions the material makes.
9. Use concrete imagery whenever possible. Close your eyes and get a picture of the explanation and summary answer. Try to see it on the page. See the key words underlined.
10. Make your own applications, examples, and illustrations.
11. Reduce the material to be remembered to your own self-made system or series of numbered steps.
12. Represent the idea graphically by use of pictorial or diagrammatic forms.
13. Make a list of key words most useful in explaining the idea or content of the lesson.
14. Form a variety of associations among the points you wish to remember. The richer the associations, the better the memory.
15. Try making the idea clear to a friend without referring to your book or notes.
16. Actually write out examination questions on the material you think you might get at the end of the term. Then write the answers to your own questions. Since you now have the chance, consult the text or your notes to improve your answers.
17. Follow suggestions for reviewing. This is an important part of remembering.

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"Kinda like this game, but there's something you should know: I just came to say hello!"

Reflection

Mood: Reminiscent
Music: Death Cab For Cutie - "Steadier Footing"
Medicine: Laryngeal Physiology (ahhh research)

Randomly, I was perusing some of my previous writings, and stumbled into an interesting one (appropriately entitled 'Reflection') from 2006. Looks like I've often succumbed to being lost deep in thought... nothing seems to have changed in that respect. It's refreshing to know that even then, I was always striving to be a better person. Though back then, I think I was a little more self deprecating. I still am to a certain extent, but now, I've learned to appreciate the events that have transpired throughout my life. Both the good and the bad. They've shaped me into a stronger and better person. I have experienced the world (albeit to a relatively limited extent), I've laughed during the good times, and done my best to keep smiling through the rough times.

Reading this prior entry resurfaced some of the original feelings of despair and hopelessness that crippled me when I initially wrote it. I won't go into the details, but let's just say I was really questioning life. Much of my agony was from feeling lost without a direction. I doubted myself, and doubted who I could become. Amazing how much can change in 5 years. I'm becoming a doctor, a career path I would never have fathomed I'd be capable of chasing. Yet here I am, entering into my second year of medical school. I have accomplished much more than I would have ever dreamed only 5 years ago.

Nevertheless, rereading the post made me think.

Despite my accomplishments, despite my hard work, despite my determination, despite my whole-hearted approach to life, and despite my ability to overcome the difficulties that we all face from time to time... I still can't honestly say yes to all the things I want to on this list.
----

So what if this were your last day alive.

Would you be happy and content with what you have done? Would you be able to say that you lived your life to the fullest? Could you say that you did everything you could? Did you go where you wanted to go? Did you learn everything you wanted to learn? Are you who you wanted to be?

Could you say you inspired those around you? Could you say you made an impact on the world around you? Did you make a difference to those who knew you? Would you be remembered as a good person? Would anyone care?

Could you honestly say that you loved someone with all your heart? Could you say that they loved you back?

Would you say that there is nothing you regret? If you had another chance, would you do it just the same? Would you have done things differently? Would you apologize to those you hurt? Would you forgive those who hurt you?

Can you say you did your best? Would you say you tried your hardest?

Can you look back on your life with a smile on your face?

----

I guess life's still a work in progress.

"And this is the chance I never got to make a move, but we just talk about... the people we've met in the last five years, and will we remember them in ten more?"

Underneath the White Tent

Mood: Mediocre

Music: Okay Go - "What to Do"

Medicine: Clinical Foundations (practicing the full physical exam)

Today, a few family members of the people that donated their bodies to the anatomy lab came to class to talk with us about their experiences with having their loved ones donate. It was unique, because we had the opportunity to hear about who these people were in life. Turns out that in life they were extraordinary, giving, selfless people. Even in death, they wanted to somehow give. Aside from donating your organs (if you're young and healthy), I can't think of a single more fantastic act of kindness that you can do for another person after you pass on. Those people gave us the chance to explore anatomy, to understand it in great detail, to feel it, to live it. For that, both my classmates and I are deeply indebted. Seriously.

One of my classmates, Samantha Costantini, wrote an absolutely beautiful poem, which I feel compelled to share. It captures the experience of anatomy so eloquently. Hope you enjoy it, and are moved to laughter, respect, and awe as much as we all were through the experience.


(note: at the risk of diminishing the mysticism, I feel it may be important to note that the "white tent" represents the sheet that covers each cadaver, which rises up with each curve of the body)

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Underneath the White Tent

Underneath the white tent lies a land 

That I must explore and document 

This is a traditional world

Where respect still stands

And I pause before each journey

Thankful for the honor of exploration

Most countries here are identified

By beautifully colored maps

Though the hue of the land

Has changed greatly

Since Mr. Netter’s visit

I still squint over his account 

Of quests long ended

Here, my compass is reversed,

My right, the left of the land

But north always points 

To an ominously wrapped monarch

Who once ruled this kingdom

But has long since lost his crown

I have comrades with me on this quest

Timid at first

Now bold as the sciatic nerve

All with an impossible amount of knowledge

About this once foreign terrain

We stop along the way 

To pick for gold and sapphires 

Among the caves of adipose

A nerve here, a vessel there

What joy there is in successful mining!

Sometimes we even pound a chisel 

In the search 

For grey-matter butterflies

While it may not be as glamorous 

As wielding a net through a field

The results are just as mesmerizing

There lies a labyrinth in the middle 

It may look complicated 

But there’s only one way out 

And though I much prefer the entrance 

To the posterior exit

I have spent ample time in both

But this quiet countryside

Represents a more rhythmic one waiting

Though the risks will be much higher

And the explorations much more delicate

Though the rivers and streams

Will flow in my future patients

And the grey hillsides replaced 

By a vibrant red

Though the mountains and valleys 

Will be bathed in warmth

And the drum of the heart 

Will audibly announce my arrival 

As the tide of the lungs 

Rolls in and back out again 

Though my travels will take me

To these different, living lands

I won’t soon be forgetting my journey 

Underneath the white tent

-Samantha Costantini

----

"Mediocre people do exceptional things all the time"


P.S. To clarify, my song quote is not referring to Sam. She is extraordinary :)

50 Questions & Da Vinci

Mood: Anxious
Music: Jack Johnson - "No Other Way"
Medicine: Neuroanatomy

Sometimes my mind gets jumbled and I can't seem to focus. It's rough when it's close to an exam. Sometimes (okay, maybe fairly often) I lose focus. Why do I continue to study when there are so many other wonderful things I could be doing? Motivation is tough sometimes. It's also difficult to remain "at peace" when there's a struggle between what I want to be doing and what I need to be doing at the moment.

A good friend of mine recently sent me a link to an article entitled "50 creative questions to create the life you really want." And I have to say, the questions are extremely useful. They're a bunch of open ended questions to get you psyched and motivated. Thank you good friend! I've reposted them below for your reading pleasure:

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What gives you “juice”? Where is the energy calling you? What if you gave yourself full permission to engage this? Going toward what gives you energy and meeting it fully is the first step to creating profound change.

What if you could take a risk? If you put your hands above you head and dove off the high board? If you didn’t second-guess yourself? If you were spontaneous?  What would you create if you couldn’t fail? Taking risks jolts us into the new and creates immediate change.

What would happen if you followed your gut? If you listened to your intuition rather than your mind? What would you create if you could think later and create now? Creating what we want doesn’t happen in the future—it happens today.

What if you could explore? If you used everything as a learning opportunity? What if you dared to discover? What if you let go of what you know? Creativity exists beyond what we know. Love the unknown and let the mystery unfold.

What if you focused on play and fun? If you didn’t worry about what people think or compared yourself to them? (Comparison is a killer of creativity.) What if you were like a child again? Create just for the sake of creating and the rest will organically unfold.

What if you went wild? Got crazy? Did something you would never do? Unleashed? What if you could be free? Hold a loving, safe container for yourself as you express and create what is innately inside you.

What if you gave yourself permission to be it ALL: The good, the bad and the ugly? What if you accepted all of “what is” because life includes it all? Avoiding what makes us uncomfortable makes us even more stuck. Many times it is the difficult and the “dark” that shows us the light.

What if you were fully present? What if you connected only to this moment of now? If you didn’t hold onto the past or reach for the future? If you didn’t worry about what could happen? All of creation is born in the now.

What if you were to stay determined? What if you didn’t give up? What if you took one step at a time? It’s in the follow through where creativity blooms.

What if you were disciplined? What if you showed up when you said you would? What if you scheduled time to do what you want to do? Marked it in you calendar? Didn’t avoid? What magic could happen? Gently approaching what we want to create each and every day is how we ultimately create change.

What if you allowed space and time? If you didn’t force the current or want everything to come the way you want it NOW? What if you were patient and accepting of life’s natural timing? What if you allowed space and time to allow the fruit of your creativity to ripen.

What if it didn’t matter if you failed or not? If the result was not nearly as important as the experience you have in the present? If you used everything as an opportunity to discover? Knowing who you are and what you want to create has nothing to do with success or failure.

What if you could be free? Free to be, express, and create however you are called in the moment? What if this simple act of freedom gave you your greatest happiness? Once a product is finished, it’s over. Even though it still carries the memory, it is no longer alive. We are only fully alive in the present.

What if you continued to ask open-ended questions such as these? If you didn’t search for answers or meaning or try to make sense of it all?  Asking open-ended questions gets you out of the box, relinquishes the attachment to product, and leads you to exciting new places.

We are innately creative beings whether we realize it or not. Change is a creative process. To create change, begin with meeting yourself within. What is it that you want to create in this moment? How will you dive in?

Here's the original article: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/50-creative-questions-to-create-the-life-you-really-want/
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You know what, after rereading that, and reflecting on my life, I have every reason to be happy with what I am doing. There's no reason for my anxiety. I'll continue to meet life with open ended questions, and not think too much about the what ifs and all that nonsense. I am here and I am now. Taking one step at a time. Asking questions to augment my creativity and fuel my passions. Not holding myself back. Allowing myself to grow.

Today, there was a surgery workshop at the hospital, where I had the opportunity to practice many different surgical techniques including laparoscopic surgery, suturing, and knot tying (yeah, this is an important technique to learn. And hard to do correctly. I had a tough time for some reason... Shh. Knots are hard to tie). But the most awesomest (like, more awesome than "awesomest" or "most awesome") was working with the Da Vinci robot. That's right. I got to play around with a million something dollar machine today. And it was FUN. I sat down in that chair and looked into the video screen, and suddenly I became a part of that robot. Nay. I was the Da Vinci robot. For three minutes. It was such a fantastic experience, I can't even begin to describe it to you. I spent most of the time playing around with the arms, rotating them this way and that way, readjusting the camera, zooming in, zooming out, grabbing thread and guiding it through holes less than a millimeter in length... so, so, so awesome. Most awesomest. About half way through the guy reminded me that the trial was timed and I was competing against everyone else to see how many holes I could guide the thread through. Whoops! I just got so lost in being the robot that I completely forgot about the world around me.

Okay, now I'm ready to get back to studying with my rekindled motivation. Thanks for reading!

Mood change by the end of this blog: Excited and Rejuvinated

"And know that if I knew all the answers I would not hold them from you"

*Addendum* But we really don't need to know all the answers, do we? Let's ask open ended questions and see where our lives take us.

The Art of Studying

Mood: Focused (shhh, I know I'm blogging. But it's break time.)
Music: Person L - "Canyonlands"
Medicine: Arm and Leg Anatomy

I've had a few people come up to me and ask me how to study successfully, both medical students and college students alike. Many times they say they lose focus. A friend of mine said that he sometimes daydreams while he's in the middle of reading something important, and won't remember what he read. Out of frustration, and a time crunch, he'll feel like he needs to move on, and doesn't retain the information. You may find yourself in a similar situation. Lucky for you, I've decided to create 8 easy steps for you to follow.

Now, I don't claim to be a master at studying, but I do try to follow these guidelines, and it certainly enhances my ability to study and retain information. Steps 1-5 are especially important during your studying, while steps 6-8 are mostly while you're not studying.  I  hope these steps will guide you to study more effectively!

1. Be patient
-Sometimes information doesn't stick in your head. Be patient. It will. You may be the kind of person that has to go over the material a few times before it sticks in your head. Just know yourself, and if it takes 3 passes to learn the material, then take 3 passes over the material.

EDIT on 6/13: A good strategy to employ when studying, especially for anatomy: when you do a chunk of material and move on, make sure you try to quiz yourself on the old material. For example, I was just studying the lacrimal gland, and moved on to the orbital bones. After learning the bones, I quizzed myself on the lacrimal gland section, just to see if I remembered it. Turns out there were a few parts I had forgotten, but by reviewing it then, I made sure to strengthen my recall.

2. Stay calm
-If you find yourself reading the same paragraph over and over at least 20 times, do NOT get frustrated! This will only make it harder to study! It's important to keep a positive attitude, take a deep breath, and learn it. When you stay calm and read something for entertainment because you enjoy it, you remember it much better. Call me a nerd, but this is how I study well for anatomy and physiology. I even had a Friday night in which I opened a bottle of wine, listened to music, and casually perused through some physiology. I'll tell you what, that night, in a race against time and ethanol, I had a great time. And to top it off, I woke up the next morning remembering everything I studied. But then again, I enjoy what I'm studying. If it's not something you enjoy, focus on staying calm. Don't pressure yourself.

3. Self control/Discipline
-Catch yourself when you see you're straying away from studying, and correct this behavior. The difficult part is recognizing when you are daydreaming or losing focus, and getting yourself back in check. I tend to lose focus a lot, but I constantly work on regaining my concentration. If you can't redirect your attention to studying after attempting to refocus a few times, you might want to consider step 4 (note: practice getting good at refocusing. This is the step most people need to practice. Myself included). Self control is infinitely important. You need to have the control to sit down and do your studying.

4. Reward yourself
-Having referenced this step already, you can see that I'm a big proponent of it. It's okay to take frequent breaks. But be careful not to reward yourself too soon! This goes hand in hand with self control. Tell yourself that you'll do a certain amount of work, and then take a break (but be careful to follow steps 1-3 intimately). If you are unable to practice self control (step 3's rough), you need to find something outside of yourself to keep you under control. What my study group and I have done several times (when we find that we're off track) is set a stop watch timer for ourself. We'll set the timer for about an hour, get a good solid hour of studying in, and after the timer is up, we'll take a break. Make sure you do the same; it's okay, you've earned it! But make sure you can control how long you spend rewarding yourself too; that can easily get out of control.

5. Planning
-For many people planning is absolutely essential. Make a schedule of what you're going to study and when, and do your best to stick with it. This will help you practice self control, because you've scheduled the time in for yourself. You no longer have to make time to study, all you have to do is follow your calendar. However, with that being said...

6. Dynamic fluidity
-Or in other words, go with the flow! Sometimes you don't get all the studying done that you've planned out to accomplish in a day. All I can say is 1. Be patient and 2. Stay calm. Those are the two most important rules to follow. If your day doesn't go the way you planned, it's okay! There are too many variables that can alter your schedule, and if they're out of your control, then why would you sweat it? Just augment your schedule, and make a new plan of action. Of course, if what is preventing you from studying IS in your control, do something to change it. And make sure the changes will lead you to a positive outcome (for example, don't sacrifice time spent with the ones you love for the sake of getting in more study hours. Or at least, don't make that the first thing you sacrifice to get study time in. You'll be unhappy, they'll be unhappy... yeah, no fun). Also, remember to set realistic goals for yourself, otherwise you may become easily frustrated.

7. Mind and Body
-People don't often make the connection, but mind and body are HUGELY related. When it comes to studying (and living a healthy lifestyle), you need to pay attention to how closely connected your mind and body are. Don't dismiss it as being trite and insignificant... this is seriously a big key to success that can amplify your study time!  I'll break it down into several parts.

A. Sleep
Sleep is extremely essential, and surprisingly many people don't realize this. How do you expect to focus when you're tired? I saw this a lot when I was an undergraduate; people staying up the night before the test and studying their asses off. But when it came time to take the test, they couldn't focus, and would invariably do poorly. As for me, I made sure to sleep well before each test. And look at me now; I'm in medical school! Even now, there are times when I'll take a nap (INSTEAD of study), and I'll wake up completely rejuvenated to tackle several more hours of studying. And those several hours are usually the most productive. Get your sleep! It's better to eliminate the random wasted minutes/hours throughout your day than to sacrifice minutes/hours of sleep. If you're sacrificing sleep, then you should have already maximized your daily studying.

B. Activity
- Activity is especially important to maintaining focus. Do things that challenge you physically or mentally. Go rock climbing. Go to the gym. Go surfing. Go running. Play a sport. Practice yoga. Take that palates class you've been wanting to try out. Do something. It doesn't have to be every day, but an hour every other day won't hurt you. You'll feel better. Along with exercising physically, make sure to maintain your mental exercises. Studying is important, but do another brain activity, something completely unrelated. Breathing exercises are good. Maybe focus on absolutely nothing and clear your mind. Meditate. That's a mental exercise within itself. Other activities, like cooking or playing an instrument are good, too. This goes along with taking a break; make sure to combine therapeutic activities with breaks.

C. Diet
Along with staying active physically and mentally, make sure you're eating a balanced diet of proteins, carbs, and fats. Yes, I said fats, too. You need fat. However, the problem is that in the american diet, the fats are usually animal fats and lard. Let's face it: those fats are not all that great for you. But there are some essential fats that you should incorporate into your diet, like omega-3's. My favorite way to get the fats I need are from fish and olive oil. Look up some recipes online and try making a couple. Might be a fun activity to do!

8. Enjoy life
-this goes along with rewarding yourself. Look around at the world around you, and take in all the beauty. Remember to smile. Make it a point to go out and enjoy yourself, and don't think about what you have to get done later. Worrying about something else while you're trying to have fun is NOT fun. Enjoy the moment! There will be time later to focus on what you need to accomplish. Yeah, you may call me a hippy or whatever for having this outlook on life, but it does make a difference.

I hope all of these simple guidelines help you, like they help me!

"I've been climbing to the tops of the mountains, back down to where I began... losing myself on the way... And I've been climbing to the bottom of the canyons, finding myself on the way."

"It's just like peeling an orange peel!"

Mood: Busy (wait, is that a mood? I feel busy. Hmm. I guess so.)

Music: The Postal Service - "Such Great Heights"

Medicine: Anatomy - Studying the Leg (catching up) & Dissecting the Neck

"It's just like peeling an orange peel!"

"Except that you're peeling a face."

...

Our humor and satisfaction with dissecting becomes more and more morbid with each new adventure in the anatomy lab. Looking back on the very first day we started, I remember we were terrorized by the thought of even touching the body and moving it to a new position. Flipping the cadaver over was foreign and disturbing, and potentially nausea inducing. It was a very serious endeavor. No one was smiling.

Fast forward to today: 5 months later. The cadaver is completely disfigured from its original shape, possessing only one leg still attached to the body, a full dissection of the pelvic muscles and organs, and abdominal and thoracic contents that are exposed to the elements. At the beginning of the dissection, the cadavers were lying face down on the tables. And. We had to flip them over. For the sake of not grossing you out too much, I won't go into much detail... but let's just say this was a challenging task, in lieu of the cadaver's most current form. If we had done this on the very first dissection, guaranteed someone would have feinted, or at least spewed some chunks. But my partner and I couldn't stop laughing at the hilarity and ridiculousness of the situation: body parts falling out, catching them, and trying to place them back correctly like a puzzle... it kind of reminded me of the straw man in the Wizard of Oz, stuffing his hay back into his body. It was the same thing, except in our case, it was very, very juicy hay.

Returning to dissections after spring break feels great! Again, there's something so satisfying about pulling away the fascial layers, uncovering different muscles, nerves, and blood vessels. Of course, that's when it yields results.

Today, we dissected the posterior triangle of the neck, and were told to particularly pay attention to making a clean dissection of the nerves and vessels in the area. When choosing a cadaver to work with, I immediately went to the biggest body, thinking to myself, "hey, since he's this big, he'll have huge vessels and nerves that will be so easy to identify." Nuh uh. Not the case. It just meant he had a lot of tissue to clean out. Also, it meant that every little, inconsequential branch of nerves appeared sizable. And seeing as the main priority of our dissection was to preserve about 5 or 6 important nerves, my partner and I spent the better part of the dissection *attempting* to salvage nearly every random bundle of prominent stringy tissue attached to the subcutaneous layer of the skin, thinking they were in some way relevant. Lots of fun.

Well, my sarcasm is half true. It's frustrating to work so long on inconsequential aspects of our dissection, but at the same time it's so fun to explore the human body. We learn by visualization, and I don't think there's any better way than the hands on approach.

Okay, now I need to get studying for real. Hope you enjoyed my macabre descriptions and humor!

"And I have to speculate that God himself did make us into corresponding shapes, like puzzle pieces from the clay"

It isn't easy.

Mood: Meh.
Music: Death Cab For Cutie - "Marching Bands of Manhattan"
Medicine: Still Physiology

Sometimes, I hate being a medical student.

I go on and on about how I love what I'm learning. And it's true. I enjoy it a lot. If I didn't, I know I wouldn't have even survived a month of what I do. With the end goal in mind, I push myself forward. Because damn it, this is what I've geared my life up for. This is what I want to do in my future.

It just sucks right now.

We all do our best to keep a smile on our faces. Even when every single day is spent staring at a book on average of about 8 hours. Many days it's worse. There are days before a big exam that I've spend 14 solid hours out of the day studying. That's not including any breaks, or time it takes to cook, eat, exercise, shower, brush my teeth, shave, go to the bathroom, or any other daily routine activity. Although sometimes it's more efficient to combine some of those with studying.

I have a relationship with my studies. And it sucks. I want so badly to throw down the book at times, call up a good friend, chat for hours upon end, go to the beach, go to a movie, go hiking, go surfing, go running, go do SOMETHING other than study. But. I can't. Every once in a while, sure. But not nearly as frequently as I want. It makes it hard to stay in contact with people, to keep friendships going. You know who you guys are, I hope you never feel neglected. I do my best, and though it may not seem like it to you, I feel like I fail. Thanks for sticking around. I wish I could spend more time with you.

And friendship isn't the extent of it. As I've said before, I'm a hopeless romantic. Right now, there's a wonderful woman who I want to get to know so much more. And she knows it, too. If only we could have gotten the timing right. If only we could have started something up earlier. But now, instead, I have to spend time reading textbooks and becoming a doctor. Like I said, I have a relationship with my studies. Looks like I'm going to have to just suffer for the future of my patients.

It's not bad all the time, it's just sometime I need to bitch about it. Talk to someone about it. Let my frustrations out. Because as calm, patient, and focused as I may seem... as happy, optimistic, and cheerful as I am... I need an outlet every now and again. This is just one of those times. Thanks for listening to me rant.

"And it is true what you said: that I live like a hermit in my own head. But when the sun shines again, I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in."

March Madness

Mood: Pensive
Music: Lex Land - "As Much As You Lead"
Medicine: Physiology

It's been a little bit since I last posted, and so much has happened. But there's no fathomable way I can regurgitate all of the events that have occurred since my last post. So, I'll sum most of it up in this sentence: studying, studying, studying. Okay, that's not really a sentence. But it fills in about 70% of what my life has been lately. I'll attempt to write about the other 30%. Or maybe more like 15%. I don't think I could get all of it into this blog. Plus I have to be a little mysterious, right?

The most notable experience of the month was spending time in the OR shadowing Dr. Reavis, a general surgeon who specializes in the foregut.  He worked with the Neurology team to perform a ventriculopulmonary shunt, in which cerebrospinal fluid was directed to the abdomen through a tube from the brain. It's a good way to alleviate pressure in the head if the body is overproducing CSF (for example, after multiple head traumas). The abdominal surgery was laparoscopic, which means they make three small incisions: two for instruments (working with the left and right hands), and one for a camera. It was fantastic seeing the anatomy inside the abdomen, unabashed by dissection equipment as I've been normally used to seeing. So Dr. Reavis' task was to place the tube in the abdomen, and bury it in the hepatorenal recess (on the right side of the body tucked behind the liver). He also created a technique in which he punctured through the falciform ligament with the tube. The falciform ligament, by the way, is a sheet-like ligament that extends from the liver and connects it to the front chest wall. It's yet another way to make sure the liver stays in place. Anyhow, rather than just keeping the liver in place, he punctured the tube through this sheet of strong tissue, thus stabilizing the tube and preventing it from moving around when the patient is in action. Cool stuff! It was phenomenal to see anatomy applied into the real world setting of surgery.

Aside from Dr. Reavis' surgery, I stepped out of the room to observe other surgeons doing their thing, and had the chance to see a prolapsed rectum (yummy) and an exploratory surgery through the abdomen in search of cancer. Oh man. It got me pumped up about surgery. General surgery may be in my future, who knows! I know it used to be a field with long hours and low pay, but now more than ever, there is more flexibility. Dr. Reavis was telling me that you can cater the job to your lifestyle, which I think is exceptionally important.

Something that stood out to me was Dr. Reavis' attitude about life. He emphasized the importance of enjoying yourself, and collaboration in the medical field with your peers. I could see it a little bit in the OR, too, when we roamed around the OR to see what other exciting surgeries were taking place. Some surgeons we saw were hardcore. Others had big egos. Still others had music going in the background as they operated. But all of them responded to Dr. Reavis in the same way; they loved him. Even the neurosurgeons (yep, the hardcore stone-faced neurosurgeons) lit up when he walked into the room. He joked with them, poked fun a little bit, and somehow retained a professional conduct simultaneously. He only acted serious when he was operating, when the situation called for it. And still, he took the time to teach me what he was doing, even though I'm a lowly medical student. He was an easy guy to be around. Asking about his lifestyle, he told me his philosophy and approach to life: we live once, so have fun doing it. If you want to do surgery 14 hours a day, do surgery 14 hours a day. If family is your number one priority, cut back on hours and spend time with family. It's important to divide up your time proportionally to the things you love, because otherwise you'll end up bitter and dissatisfied. That doesn't mean working comes without sacrifices. There will be sacrifices, but keeping your priorities straight helps to recapitulate the reasons you're making those sacrifices. Life itself is a balance. Just watching Dr. Reavis in the OR, I could tell that he was doing what he enjoyed. And that's what counts. Do what you love and love what you do. Whatever speciality I end up entering, I'm taking that message with me.

On an unrelated note, we had a talent show this last weekend! About three weeks ago, a couple of med students and I brought together an eclectic mix of musical instruments (drums, electric guitar, acoustic guitar, bass, and piano) to jam and blow off some steam after a physiology test. After playing together for half an hour or so, we committed to the talent show. I have to say, I had no idea how much talent there was in our class! Our act followed the intermission, giving us 20 minutes to set up and prepare mentally. I have to admit I was certainly nervous, but when we started getting into it, it was lots of fun. Definitely going to do it next year.

I've been getting into a lot of indie bands with female singers recently. I think it stemmed initially from Metric, and listening to music from a good friend of mine. My most recent addiction is a more pop indie singer/songwriter sound by the artist formerly (and uh... concurrently...) known as "Lex Land". The singer produces a soft and soothing melody, with a relaxed sound full of meaning and emotion. Along with her excellent vocal range, I think what really draws me in are the lyrics; they feel like her own personal experience. They're so sappy lol. Good stuff.

This week and next week are going to be crazy, so I probably won't blog until spring break. We have our shelfs (read "nationally standardized medical finals") for histology and physiology next week. So everything we've learned in the past 6-7 months in both those classes are going to be tested. This means every extra hour I have in the day will be spent reviewing. On top of the physiology, we picked up anatomy again, along with genetics. The second years called this "March Madness", one of the roughest months. As crazy as it has been, it's good to know I'm almost at the end of it. Just two more weeks...

"We're just too good at never getting our timing right."

Breathe deep, Jim Bob

Mood: Relaxed
Music: Young the Giant - "Cough Syrup"
Medicine: Respiratory Physiology

This entire week has been devoted to physiology. And rightly so, seeing as it was neglected for so long before Anatomy ended! Now, I'm usually a fan of physiology, but I just want to say that the minute nuances explored throughout respiratory physiology are PAINSTAKING. Don't get me wrong, I love it. But it's painful. Then again, once I get it down, I'm sure I'll feel like a master. This book learning is a very important foundation. I could go for the passing grade, since essentially that's all that will be seen by future residency programs when I apply after these four years (well, 3 and a half now). But you know what? No. I want to know this stuff so I can actually be a good doctor. I don't want to miss a diagnosis. Shuffle a patient off to another specialist. I'm going to be good at what I do. And it starts here.

This week was more interesting, as we were given a break from the purely lecture based learning to explore a respiratory simulation and ultrasound. The simulation was fantastic. Basically, the simulations comprise of several medical students surrounding a simulation dummy. Let's call him Jim Bob. No idea why. Anyhow, Jim Bob has a certain physical ailment that we need to diagnose based on his symptoms, his history, and examination findings. We ran through several different commonly seen scenarios that a patient might encounter when facing a respiratory crisis; such as asthma, fluid in the lungs, a collapsed lung, and a blood clot in the lungs (pulmonary embolism). This last one was amazing. Though we don't know much about which drugs to push in certain situations, it was exciting to hear Jim Bob explain (yes, he talks to you) how he was feeling, the swelling he had in his legs, and how he was now having difficulty breathing. Immediately my mind jumped to the pulmonary embolism. A clot in his leg must have broken loose, and shuffled its way to his lungs. And, sure enough, as I predicted, once the embolus (clot) passed through his lungs and into his heart, and lodged in a coronary artery, he started to crash. Now, it wasn't particularly exciting to see that Jim Bob was going into ventricular fibrillations (heart attack), but it WAS exciting knowing that I had predicted the outcome with my extensive (okay, very limited) knowledge of physiology. Awesome! I'm definitely looking forward to interventional medicine!

As for the Ultrasound, that was quite amazing as well. Though it's hard to visualize the lungs, since they're full of air and ultrasound doesn't sense this very well, we learned what to look for to rule out a collapsed lung, blood in the lungs, fluid in the lungs, or pleurisy. Most of it was looking at artifacts to determine these potential problems. It's exciting to think we're starting on ultrasound so early. Many of the fourth years just started it, but with our new curriculum, they've introduced ultrasound to us in the first year. We're going to be experts by the time we graduate!

Alright, I have the physiology test on Tuesday that I really need to focus on. About 5 more lectures of material to cover, then I need to review like a madman. Do madmen review?


"If I could find a way to see this straight, I'd run away, to some fortune that I should have found by now"

Something Better Left Unknown

Mood: Contemplative
Music: Metric - "Gimme Sympathy"
Medicine: Respiratory Physiology


I think it's time for another song interpretation!

----
"Gimme Sympathy" - Metric

Get hot, get too close to the flame
Wild open space
Talk like an open book, sign me up
Got no time to take a picture
I'll remember someday, all the chances we took

Chorus:
We're so close to something better left unknown
I can feel it in my bones
Gimme sympathy
After all of this is gone, who'd you rather be?
The Beatles or the Rolling Stones?
Oh, seriously, you're gonna make mistakes, you're young
Come on baby, play me something
Like, "Here comes the sun"

Don't go, stay with the all-unknown
Stay away from the hooks
All the chances we took

Chorus

----

It's a really simple message, to me. You can interpret it a couple different ways, in fact, I believe it was written to describe the upward direction the band took in going from an indie band with a small following, to a more successful band, that branched out to the more popular side of music.

But I like this interpretation...

Get hot, get too close to the flame. Wild open space. Talk like an open book, sign me up.

The opening line is about that intense feeling you share with someone else. You pour your heart out, talk like an open book, and it leaves you wanting more.

Got no time to take a picture, I'll remember someday all the chances we took.

Things move quickly, but there's no time to stop and think about it, about getting burnt. You give your all, put your heart on the line. You take the risk.

We're so close to something better left unknown. I can feel it in my bones. Gimme sympathy.

It's almost better to leave it be, to put your guard up, to avoid getting hurt. It's almost better to walk away, because you'll most likely just end up getting hurt. But you want it... you can feel it to your very core. You can feel it in your bones. Sympathy here could be used as if to say, "Sympathize with me." As in, I hope you understand where I'm coming from, and that you feel it too.

After all of this is gone, who'd you rather be? The Beatles or the Rolling Stones? Oh, seriously, you're gonna make mistakes, you're young. Come on baby, play me something like, "Here comes the sun"

This is my favorite part of the song. The Beatles and the Rolling Stones are obviously very influential bands. To me, however, the Rolling Stones represent a relationship that comes into your life, that you remember and cherish, but it doesn't last your entire life. The Beatles, of course, were bigger than the Rolling Stones. They represent the person you want to share your entire life with. Who would you rather be? Give it a shot, don't be afraid to take a chance. You're young, you're going to make mistakes. With the last line of the chorus, the singer's basically saying: "show me that you're that person." Metaphorically, play me a song by the Beatles.

Don't go, stay with the all-unknown, stay away from the hooks, all the chances we took.

This is the tipping point, where you're thinking about it. Do you stick around with all that's unknown about the future? Do you avoid getting hooked? Even with all the chances you've taken, it's hard to decide

I doubt that's as detailed as the song was intended to be, but I like lyrics that evoke feelings from within. Lyrics full of emotion and depth. In any case, hope you enjoyed my take on the song!

"Come on baby, play me something like, 'Here comes the sun'"

A Long Week

Mood: Relieved
Music: Cage the Elephant - "Ain't No Rest For The Wicked"
Medicine: Anatomy: Pelvic Cavity

This last week (maybe about two weeks ago at this point?), I sawed off a leg. I bisected the pelvic cavity right down the middle, spliced through the center of the abdominal aorta and the sacrum/lumbar spine, and cut the abdomen transversely down the level of the 3rd lumbar spine.  Out of all the other times I've dissected, this by far took the cake as being the most disturbingly disgusting cut ever.

It may seem strange to you (or maybe not, if you're into this stuff like I am), but I was initially excited by the task: really, it isn't every day you are allowed to chop off a leg from another human body!

But let me tell you something; it is not pretty when you have to chop the rectum, the bladder, and the vagina RIGHT down the center.

The dissection started out great; the abdominal contents (namely, the GI tract w/ liver, spleen, and pancreas) had already been cut free from vessels and connective tissue, so those were easy to move out away from the pelvis, to give us plenty of room to work. This revealed the floor of the pelvis: with a transverse slice of the rectum (this was done earlier to detach the GI tract) and the urinary bladder, along with a eclectic mix of blood vessels, tubes, and nerves (iliacs, ureters, obturators, yada yada). Our lady had had a hysterectomy, and thus no uterus. Immediately we knew our task: saw the pubic symphysis, the rectum, and the bladder right down the middle. This was expected, so when we opened up the bladder to see urine, I wasn't too surprised. The rectum was a little different, but I still wasn't extraordinarily surprised. It was gross, but expected nonetheless. Using a scalpel, I deftly bisected the rectum and the bladder. I might say, I did pretty damn good too ;) The urethra was completely preserved. The cut revealed the tube traversing down its entire length to the external urethral opening. I'm awesome. And as morbid as it may sound, sawing the pelvic symphysis down the center was extremely satisfying. By the way, I am not a mass murderer. Just saying. Don't you judge me!

Then came the part that caught me by surprise. Sorry, if you don't want to be grossed out, you should probably avoid reading this next paragraph. If you're bold enough, read on!

First off, it was no surprise that i would have to cut our female cadaver's vagina right down the center. That was a given. But let me paint you a slightly more vivid picture so you can imagine what I was dealing with: our cadaver is a 200+ lb woman who apparently wasn't very big on hygiene. At least on her lady parts. To avoid getting too graphic, we'll just say that the "juice"from her "juicebox" had remained in place after she had deceased. Initially, I was blissfully unaware of this fact. I was using my scalpel blade to cut through the tissue, you know, through the center, and I paused for a moment to take a breather. Inadvertently, I rested my scalpel blade on the labia majora... and it scraped the side. I glanced down at the scalpel to see some dry, white, sticky powder of some sort on the blade. I thought it may have been skin at first. "Why is it so white?" I said aloud. Oh. OH. It wasn't skin at ALL. She had a thin white filmy layer on the surface of her lady parts. Yeast? Excretions? I don't know. I'm trying not to think about it.

With that, I must say my hat goes off to all the nurses and doctors in OB/GYN.

After finishing with the "chopping the leg off" part, it was really cool dissecting out the vessels. It's frustrating EVERY time, because you have to clear the fat away, you have to go digging for the right path of the vessels without slicing them up, and it definitely isn't instant gratification. But with a little patience, all of your hard work pays off. And you forget how annoying it was in the first place.

---

So, I wrote the above last week, and have been meaning to complete it, but of course anatomy consumed all of my time up until this point. Took the test this morning, and I'm so. so. SO relieved to be done. And I am also oh so very tired from the experience. I'm struggling to keep my eyes open as I write this. But before I wrap up for the night, I wanted to describe this past week before the anatomy exam. Let's start with Tuesday, because honestly, that's when it gets nuts. As in seminiferous tubules.

Tuesday

This was one of the harshest days of the week, as far as scheduling goes. I may have gotten about 3 or 4 hours of studying done this day. But let me explain. I woke up at 8 am to head over to the lab, where I was to present my previously mentioned dissection to my classmates. This is an informal process, usually, as we walk through the list of things to identify, show everyone what we dissected, explain why our dissection is good, and mention other cadavers with other great dissections that should be visited. With each dissection, we must present to three different groups. It's good, because by the end of the day, we have the anatomy of our cadaver down to a tee.

A little aside, "Down to a tee" is an abridged version of an old English phrase, "down to a tittle," which means "to the smallest detail". Thought you might want to know. I just googled it since I was curious (oh my distracted mind)...

Anyhow, around 11:30 am I had to extricate myself to change out of my scrubs, run over to my car, change into a suit IN my car, and then run over to a meeting at 12:00 pm with the Flying Sams. Why a suit, you may ask? Well, every Tuesday we have a class called "Clinical Foundations," in which we learn how to examine and interact with patients. It's quite fun, actually. It makes me feel like I'm actually training to become a real doctor. Who'd have thought. So, shortly before the meeting at noon ended (around 12:40), I had to excuse myself yet again, scarf down a sandwich, and run to the main medical educations building to prepare for Clinical Foundations (CF). It was the week for my group to present the physical examination. This is actually kind of a big deal: there are 9 different groups, and each time we learn some new examination, a groups explains to the rest of the class how to perform the physical examination. In other words, we have to know our stuff and not mess up. On a sort of teleconference, we were streamed live to our classmates showing how to perform observation, auscultation, palpation, and percussion of the thoracic wall to appreciate lung sounds. It sounds all fancy and stuff, but really you're just listening to a person breath, feeling for an abnormal masses in the chest and back, tapping their chest, and comparing different sounds of the lungs. But still, it was unnerving to perform live in front of our class on the techniques of the physical examination. I was pretty nervous, but from what Jim told me, it sounds like I did okay. I think I blacked out, because I don't remember much of my explanation.

Alright, so that brings us to about 2:00 pm. From then until 4:00 pm, we saw patients and practiced eliciting information effectively (the art of medicine). After CF, I had a little time to organize my thoughts and study, but then darted off to the gym for a rowing class at 5:30 pm. That definitely revitalized me. After the class ended, I grabbed a quick bite to eat, devoured it tenaciously, and embarked on my journey to the anatomy lab once again. From 7:00 pm to 9:00 pm I was tutored by second years. During this time, they run through a list of things we need to identify using different cadavers. They have mnemonics, tips, and tricks, so it's definitely helpful to attend!

Finally, from 9 until about 12, I studied. Whew. What a day. Onto the next.

Wednesday- Friday

Altogether, I think I clocked in an entire 40 hours work week of studying. Easily. Nearly 8am-1am every day (with a couple breaks to run errands, off course). Let's just say I lived off coffee. But I only spent about 7 hours in lab over the span of three days, surprisingly. Saturday makes up for that.

Saturday

Spent the morning in the lab. It was actually surprisingly fun. The other med students are absolutely amazing; everyone is witty, smart, and gracious. They are willing to help, make hilarious wisecracks that keep you sane, and are extremely good at explaining and understanding all the information we've had to cram into our heads. Several times throughout the day, I heard a couple people say that they love medical school. And I echo their fondness. As difficult as the days get, this is the most amazing experience I have ever had in my life. I count my blessings that I have been so lucky to be in this position.

Anyhow, we listened to music (from alternative rock to house beats) while identifying anatomical parts from 8 to noon. Then, Jim and I went out to grab some lunch, and promptly jetted back to the lab for another 3 more hours. After that, it was cram/study time. After spending that time in the lab, I was able to cram in another 6-7 hours before my brain shut down.

Sunday

Woke up around 9:30, had a nice leisurely morning, then back to campus. Though I had been studying with my usual group over the past week, we all seemed to study on our own this last day. Mostly because we all knew exactly what we needed to study, and when you're getting down to the grindstone, you're studying specifics that others don't need to focus on. So, we focused on our own stuff. I bailed out early (around 7 pm) to exercise, make myself a good dinner, then focus for another 3-4 hours before I called it a night.

And that brings us to the test, and then to right now. The test went well. 8:30-10 was the written, 10:15-11:45 was the practical in lab. After the test, I took care of some errands, took a nap, played some racquetball, and took it easy. It was well deserved after such a long week.

Welp, now it's off to sleep, so I can wake up tomorrow morning and start cramming for all the Physiology that I've neglected due to Anatomy.

"Oh no there ain't no rest for the wicked, until we close our eyes for good"

Honey, Don't You Weep

Mood: Somber
Music: Bright Eyes - "Easy/Lucky/Free"
Medicine: GI Physiology

I should be studying right now, but I keep procrastinating. Of course, when I procrastinate, I often turn to music. I have literally wasted hours just listening to songs, listening to the lyrics, and contemplating the feelings that the artist is trying to convey.

This brings me to Bright Eyes. A friend from back home introduced them to me. And I have to say, the lyrical talent of the lead singer Conor Oberst is beyond all words. There is a deep pain and emptiness in his heart, and he expresses it through his music. I wonder... does writing the pain down act as a means of catharsis? Does he feel better? Or does putting pen to the page make it all the more tangible, and difficult?

He questions existence. And to me, there is nothing more painful than feeling that level of hopelessness. On first listen, I thought "Easy/Lucky/Free" sounded slightly hopeful. But after hearing it several times, I realize it's wrought with emptiness and numbness. The singer questions the purpose of life... is there any? Is it meaningless? Are we all scurrying about on this planet with no ultimate point? Is there an afterlife? These are the thoughts that seem to constantly plague Conor Oberst.

Below are the lyrics... and an introspective look at what each line means. Be forewarned: this is not for the feint of heart. If you don't want to be depressed, stop reading now. Here are the lyrics

Did it all get real? I guess it's real enough
They got refrigerators full of blood
Another century spent pointing guns
At anything that moves
Sometimes I worry that I've lost the plot
my twitching muscles tease my flippant thoughts
I never really dreamed of heaven much
Until we put him in the ground
But it's all I'm doing now
Listening for patterns in the sound
Of an endless static sea
But when the satellite's deceased
It blows like garbage through the streets
Of the night sky to infinity

But don't you weep (Don't you weep for them)
Don't you weep (Don't you weep)
There is nothing as lucky

Honey, don't you weep (Don't you weep for them)

Don't you weep (Don't you weep)

There is nothing as lucky

As easy

Or free

Don't be a criminal in this police state
You'd better shop and eat and procreate
You've got vacation days, and you might escape
To a condo on the coast
I set my watch to the atomic clock
I hear the crowd count down until the bomb gets dropped
I always figured there'd be time enough
I never let it get me down
But I can't help it now
Looking for faces in the clouds
I've got some friends I barely see
But we're all planning to meet
We'll lay in bags as dead as leaves
All together, for eternity

But don't you weep (Don't you weep for them)

Don't you weep (Don't you weep)

There is nothing as lucky

Honey, don't you weep (Don't you weep for them)

Don't you weep (Don't you weep)

There is nothing as lucky

As easy

Or free

Or free... or free... or free...
There is nothing...

---
Here is an interpretation of the song... It's pretty deep. Enjoy.

Did it all get real? I guess it's real enough - speaking of the surreality of life, death, and existence, and how the question of it all strikes a chord deep within him. Is there meaning? Is it pointless? He resolves to say it's real enough.

They got refrigerators full of blood, another century spent pointing guns at anything that moves - Referring to what our "reality" is. We have pushed medical science so far in the last century, literally storing refrigerators with blood to save lives. And with all the advances, and all of man's ability to cure, humanity is obsessed with hatred and violence. Our 'refrigerators' are filled with blood in an attempt to save us from ourselves.

Sometimes I worry that I've lost the plot - Oberst feels lost and confused. Once again, what is the meaning of existence?

My twitching muscles tease my flippant thoughts - he's tense, nervous, and neurotic

I never really dreamed of heaven much until we put him in the ground - he never really thought about the afterlife until the death of his close friend

But it's all I'm doing now, listening for patterns in the sound of an endless static sea - He is consumed by life, death, and existence. This "endless static sea" represents the nonstop, 24/7 nature of the lives people are caught up in... like the static of a radio, bustling and busy, never silent. He is searching for an answer. But no matter how he searches, he can't find one in this "endless static sea".

But when the satellite's deceased, it blows like garbage through the streets of the night sky to infinity - But even with the ever moving nature of our lives, they will end. Life is transient. Like a satellite, one day its transmission ends, and it floats off through "the streets of the night sky to infinity". Is our existence like that? Once our transmission ends, do we just float off into the ethers? Where do we go? Our entire lifetime we spend working for something. We have a goal for our life. A dream. A mission. Is it all just garbage?

But don't you weep, there is nothing as lucky, as easy, or free - But don't be sad about the thought of death, because even if there may be nothingness after, the true hell is this life... and passing on is the only freedom from that pain. Whenever people have near death experiences, they always describe it as that: easy and free. Calming. And if there is something that comes afterwards, well then we have something to look forward to beyond this rat race of life.

Don't be a criminal in this police state. You'd better shop and eat and procreate. You've got vacation days, and you might escape to a condo on the coast - We are governed by rules set for us, we're told how to live our lives. To be a consumer and feed into the emptiness of consumption. To act like being a part of that is what really matters. People live their lives looking forward to a pay check, so they can just spend it on something arbitrary that brings temporary happiness. Keep contributing to the corporate wheel. And look, you've got vacation days, too! How lucky you are to escape to a "condo on the coast" for a while. Look forward to your next vacation.

I set my watch to the atomic clock, I hear the crowd count down until the bomb gets dropped - with the devastation we leave behind us as a collective whole, we're setting the time for our own destruction. Oberst is looking forward to the end, setting his watch to the atomic clock. Waiting for a release from this. You get the feeling that if we faced an apocalypse, he would sit back and welcome its arrival.

I always figured there'd be time enough, I never let it get me down - he stays hopeful, thinking that there's time to live his life to its fullest.

But I can't help it now - but now, once again, all his thoughts are bent on existence. He doubts his own feelings that he can actually attain happiness.

Looking for faces in the clouds - he turns his gaze upwards, searching for the existence of something after, hoping there is something, but not finding it. But still, he wants it to be true. To his core, he wants to believe that there is something more than this life.

I've got some friends I barely see, but we're all planning to meet. We'll lay in bags as dead as leaves, all together for eternity - though his physical body may reach an end, he looks forward to the afterlife, where he can spend time with loved ones for eternity.

The song ends with "There is nothing", once again repeating the phrase that resonates deep within him, that shatters his strength and resolve.

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Whew...

Hope you enjoyed the deep and emotionally charged lyrics like I did. And I hope you enjoyed my interpretation of them.

"But don't you weep"