It isn't easy.

Mood: Meh.
Music: Death Cab For Cutie - "Marching Bands of Manhattan"
Medicine: Still Physiology

Sometimes, I hate being a medical student.

I go on and on about how I love what I'm learning. And it's true. I enjoy it a lot. If I didn't, I know I wouldn't have even survived a month of what I do. With the end goal in mind, I push myself forward. Because damn it, this is what I've geared my life up for. This is what I want to do in my future.

It just sucks right now.

We all do our best to keep a smile on our faces. Even when every single day is spent staring at a book on average of about 8 hours. Many days it's worse. There are days before a big exam that I've spend 14 solid hours out of the day studying. That's not including any breaks, or time it takes to cook, eat, exercise, shower, brush my teeth, shave, go to the bathroom, or any other daily routine activity. Although sometimes it's more efficient to combine some of those with studying.

I have a relationship with my studies. And it sucks. I want so badly to throw down the book at times, call up a good friend, chat for hours upon end, go to the beach, go to a movie, go hiking, go surfing, go running, go do SOMETHING other than study. But. I can't. Every once in a while, sure. But not nearly as frequently as I want. It makes it hard to stay in contact with people, to keep friendships going. You know who you guys are, I hope you never feel neglected. I do my best, and though it may not seem like it to you, I feel like I fail. Thanks for sticking around. I wish I could spend more time with you.

And friendship isn't the extent of it. As I've said before, I'm a hopeless romantic. Right now, there's a wonderful woman who I want to get to know so much more. And she knows it, too. If only we could have gotten the timing right. If only we could have started something up earlier. But now, instead, I have to spend time reading textbooks and becoming a doctor. Like I said, I have a relationship with my studies. Looks like I'm going to have to just suffer for the future of my patients.

It's not bad all the time, it's just sometime I need to bitch about it. Talk to someone about it. Let my frustrations out. Because as calm, patient, and focused as I may seem... as happy, optimistic, and cheerful as I am... I need an outlet every now and again. This is just one of those times. Thanks for listening to me rant.

"And it is true what you said: that I live like a hermit in my own head. But when the sun shines again, I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in."