Mood: Confident
Music: The Ataris - "The Hero Dies In This One"
Medicine: Break!
Do not seek yourself outside of yourself.
There is something substantial, yet so simple, in these words. Ralph Waldo Emerson uses this quote in his aptly titled essay, "Self-Reliance", to extricate his belief that one should confide strongly in one's own ideals, and settle for nothing less. To not hold another's opinions to a higher regard than your own. Of course, Emerson was a self-proclaimed nonconformist, yet his words still hold much truth for all of us. He goes on to detail in the essay that successful men- innovative men- pave their own road. They don't doubt themselves. However, though this quote leads Emerson to the interpretation that one should be self-reliant, I can't help but feel that he has partially missed the point.
Moreso than self-reliance, to me, this quote emboldens self-discovery. Do not seek yourself outside of yourself. Do not turn to the outside world and let it define you. That is not who you are. You are who you make yourself, not what others make you. If this is not the case, then as Emerson alludes to, you would be living a meaningless existence. You cannot live for someone else. You must live for yourself, trust your own judgement, believe in yourself. In this respect, yes, self-reliance is a key portion of this statement. But this is only because you must turn within to yourself to know who you are, and how to approach life. Life is learning. We fuck up, we make mistakes, sometimes we even glide through unscathed, but without learning to better one's self, what is there? Without truly believing in one's self, what is there? Doubt? Distrust? Skepticism? Pessimism? How can you believe in others if you do not believe in yourself? How can you love others if you do not love yourself? Love the person you are? The person you have become?
This brings me back a recurring concept I have continued to struggle with time and time again: Confidence. After traveling to other countries to sacrifice my time for others, tutoring dozens of students, leading a company to make decisions that affect the lives of others, and getting accepted into a prestigious medical school... you would think after all that, I would be extremely confident in myself. Yet somehow, I've still struggled to grasp the attribute in its entirety. Recently, this had become a huge problem. I suppose I could say it's from the new realization that as a doctor, I will be held to a higher standard than others. I will be responsible for the lives of others. Perhaps this is what led me to a lack of confidence? Maybe to some extent, but in actuality, it was because I turned outside for all of my answers. The way the world perceived me became too important. I guess several things have happened recently that left me doubting myself, though that never should have been the case. I should not have so easily been swayed to doubt. I need to trust in myself. Trust that my decisions are the correct ones. To believe in what I feel. And to act on it. I second guessed myself too much. But I'm moving forward from here. I've found the strength to speak my mind. I have realized that my thoughts are not trite and cheap. I will listen to my heart with conviction. I will believe in my actions unfalteringly. I will not secede my confidence.
Be your own person, and be confident in who that person is.
Alright, I'll write more about music and medicine later, today I felt like getting that out. Feels good!
"The hardest part isn't finding who we need to be, it's being content with who we are."
Monday, December 20, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Freaking In Is Permitted
Mood: Content
Music: Motion City Soundtrack, "Commit This to Memory"
Medicine: Posterior/Superior Mediastinum (internal chest) and Embryology
This week has been incredibly long. I don't mean long in the sense that it took forever to conclude, but long because I haven't really had time to take a break... this week has definitely been one long study session. Of course, I did take breaks to laugh and joke around, play ping pong, go for a couple runs, exercise, and eat... but in between it's been all studying for Anatomy! The good news is that I really enjoy the material :)
"Freaking out is not allowed. Freaking in... is permitted." Dr. Leonard, our extraordinary Anatomy professor, expressed these words of wisdom at the start of the week. He has an odd personality, but he is amazing. He is a great teacher, and extremely willing to help, with the added benefit of actually being helpful.
The book that we are basing our entire anatomical knowledge on was written by Dr. Leonard. A common expression between us: "Is it in the bible? Then you need to know it." His book is our bible. Which, according to the MS2 class, we will be able to recite by memory at the end of the year. All 450 pages of it. No pictures. All words. In 7 months. I can see it happening. We've been studying anatomy for 2 weeks now, and already I know an intense amount of information. I have literally had to study all day every single day. This week, I've woken up at 8 (at latest) every morning, and finally went to bed at 1 am (at the earliest). I think I'm averaging 6 hours of sleep per day. Not too shabby.
I did have a mini "freak out" earlier this week, in fact yesterday. I was thinking about all the information I still hadn't mastered, the text I haven't even looked at, and how little time I have to accomplish my studying. But true, freaking out is not permitted by Dr. Leonard, and for good reason. You start losing your ability to function, you read the same sentence twenty times, freak out even more when you realize you don't remember what you covered not even 20 minutes ago. Studying for anatomy can be a mess. But when you have a moment of clarity and understanding (freaking in), it's well worth it. I just have to keep freaking in.
I'll talk a little bit about my dissection I guess. My partner and I this week worked on the superior and posterior mediastinum. Most of my time was spent dissecting out the different branches of the bronchi in the lungs on Tuesday, and Wednesday my partner and I worked on cleaning and dissecting out the vessels, nerves, and tracts. Everything is stuffed into the thoracic cavity in a very organized manner. I think the hardest part was trying to visualize the vessels as they crossed over each other anteriorly, posteriorly, medially, laterally, or whatever. Winding around each other in what seems like complete disorder. In fact, one nerve, the recurrent laryngeal nerve, has the most unnecessary pathway in reaching the larynx: it extends from the brain, travels down the side of the vagus nerve to the heart, realizes it missed the larynx entirely (duh, it's in the throat), curves back around the aortic arch, and moves superiorly back to its destination. There is no reason for the nerve to take this path all the way to the heart. In fact, giraffes have this same nerve, and it must travel the length of the neck, flip around the aorta, then traverse the long journey back up the neck to the larynx. What the hell. Yet, every human body seems to share the commonalities of these branched pathways. Amazing.
At this point, cadavers have no effect whatsoever on me. I waltz right into the lab, grab my tools, walk over to the body, open it up, and start dissecting. No problem. I spent about a half hour in lab on Tuesday night finishing up my lung dissection, without anyone else. It wasn't strange at all. Just so commonplace now...
Okay, so I have to continue studying Embryology (4 more lectures to go). But before I go, let me mention that Motion City Soundtrack is awesome. I haven't listened to them in a while. I picked up their album, "Commit This To Memory" and now I can't stop listening. Great lyrics. Great rhythm. The drummer has really catchy beats. The guitars harmonize perfectly. The synthesizer amplifies the tone of each song. And the vocals bring everything full circle. His voice is an instrument within itself. Every single song on the CD is golden! So addicting. You need some synth/pop punk every now and then.
Alright, back to Anatomy. Keepin' it real.
"I choose to abuse for the time being, maybe I'll win but for now I've decided to die"
Music: Motion City Soundtrack, "Commit This to Memory"
Medicine: Posterior/Superior Mediastinum (internal chest) and Embryology
This week has been incredibly long. I don't mean long in the sense that it took forever to conclude, but long because I haven't really had time to take a break... this week has definitely been one long study session. Of course, I did take breaks to laugh and joke around, play ping pong, go for a couple runs, exercise, and eat... but in between it's been all studying for Anatomy! The good news is that I really enjoy the material :)
"Freaking out is not allowed. Freaking in... is permitted." Dr. Leonard, our extraordinary Anatomy professor, expressed these words of wisdom at the start of the week. He has an odd personality, but he is amazing. He is a great teacher, and extremely willing to help, with the added benefit of actually being helpful.
The book that we are basing our entire anatomical knowledge on was written by Dr. Leonard. A common expression between us: "Is it in the bible? Then you need to know it." His book is our bible. Which, according to the MS2 class, we will be able to recite by memory at the end of the year. All 450 pages of it. No pictures. All words. In 7 months. I can see it happening. We've been studying anatomy for 2 weeks now, and already I know an intense amount of information. I have literally had to study all day every single day. This week, I've woken up at 8 (at latest) every morning, and finally went to bed at 1 am (at the earliest). I think I'm averaging 6 hours of sleep per day. Not too shabby.
I did have a mini "freak out" earlier this week, in fact yesterday. I was thinking about all the information I still hadn't mastered, the text I haven't even looked at, and how little time I have to accomplish my studying. But true, freaking out is not permitted by Dr. Leonard, and for good reason. You start losing your ability to function, you read the same sentence twenty times, freak out even more when you realize you don't remember what you covered not even 20 minutes ago. Studying for anatomy can be a mess. But when you have a moment of clarity and understanding (freaking in), it's well worth it. I just have to keep freaking in.
I'll talk a little bit about my dissection I guess. My partner and I this week worked on the superior and posterior mediastinum. Most of my time was spent dissecting out the different branches of the bronchi in the lungs on Tuesday, and Wednesday my partner and I worked on cleaning and dissecting out the vessels, nerves, and tracts. Everything is stuffed into the thoracic cavity in a very organized manner. I think the hardest part was trying to visualize the vessels as they crossed over each other anteriorly, posteriorly, medially, laterally, or whatever. Winding around each other in what seems like complete disorder. In fact, one nerve, the recurrent laryngeal nerve, has the most unnecessary pathway in reaching the larynx: it extends from the brain, travels down the side of the vagus nerve to the heart, realizes it missed the larynx entirely (duh, it's in the throat), curves back around the aortic arch, and moves superiorly back to its destination. There is no reason for the nerve to take this path all the way to the heart. In fact, giraffes have this same nerve, and it must travel the length of the neck, flip around the aorta, then traverse the long journey back up the neck to the larynx. What the hell. Yet, every human body seems to share the commonalities of these branched pathways. Amazing.
At this point, cadavers have no effect whatsoever on me. I waltz right into the lab, grab my tools, walk over to the body, open it up, and start dissecting. No problem. I spent about a half hour in lab on Tuesday night finishing up my lung dissection, without anyone else. It wasn't strange at all. Just so commonplace now...
Okay, so I have to continue studying Embryology (4 more lectures to go). But before I go, let me mention that Motion City Soundtrack is awesome. I haven't listened to them in a while. I picked up their album, "Commit This To Memory" and now I can't stop listening. Great lyrics. Great rhythm. The drummer has really catchy beats. The guitars harmonize perfectly. The synthesizer amplifies the tone of each song. And the vocals bring everything full circle. His voice is an instrument within itself. Every single song on the CD is golden! So addicting. You need some synth/pop punk every now and then.
Alright, back to Anatomy. Keepin' it real.
"I choose to abuse for the time being, maybe I'll win but for now I've decided to die"
Friday, December 3, 2010
Of Dissections and Hope
Mood: Hopeful
Music: Owl City, "If My Heart Was a House"
Medicine: Back and Thorax Anatomy
Anatomy is AMAZING! I can't describe how unbelievable it is to experience anatomy. When we first encountered the cadavers, I admittedly felt a little bizarre about cutting into a human being. But as soon as we started opening him up, I was addicted. There's something inexplicably fulfilling linked to dissecting. You take pride in your work. Raja and I spent a lot of time working on the branches of the axillary artery, clearing away the deep tissue to trace the routes of each vessel. And when we had the chance to crack open the ribs to peer inside to the parietal cavity... it was like opening a gift on Christmas! Yeah, it's a poor analogy (I mean, this is a human's chest we're talking about), but seriously, it was! So the actual dissection is my favorite part. Though cutting and scraping away fat and tissue can be frustrating and requires a lot of patience, the results are very rewarding. That feeling of clarity when you can link something you're studying in a textbook to an actual structure in the body is phenomenal. True, the studying is intense... I have a lot of studying to catch up on this weekend! But it's soooo worth it in the end. I feel extremely privileged to have this chance to learn so much!
I love Owl City. Adam Young, the sole musician of Owl City, puts out amazing beats and lyrics that keep you humming them for weeks. When I first discovered the CD Ocean Eyes, I did exactly that. Recently, I picked the CD back up, and I'm once again hooked. Some of his songs are superficial, fun, and upbeat (like "Dental Care", which is, as the title suggests, entirely about taking care of your teeth and going to the dentist), but many others are incredibly introspective and thought-provoking. His lyrics are witty and well-written, certainly not chock-full of the typical regurgitated platitudes that you hear in 90% of songs out there on the radio waves.
Young uses fantastic imagery. You know the old adage, "A picture is worth a thousand words"? Young uses each word meticulously, painting a vivid picture for the listener, conveying abstract feelings and vibrant colors. For example, "Peer over the edge, can you see me? Rivulets flow from your eyes. Paint runs from your mouth like a waterfall, and your lungs crystallize... I'll travel the subzero tundra, I'll brave glaciers and frozen lakes. And that's just the tip of the iceberg, I'll do whatever it takes". Notice how he uses the expression "tip of the iceberg" in like... the most perfect way? He's great at using language that fits the situation (for example, an icy setting) and ties it in, to communicate a feeling (a willingness to do "whatever it takes"). He makes trite phrases and expressions his bitch, twisting them in a clever way to produce fresh and novel lyrics. Pure awesome. I wish I could write songs like that.
I have to throw out another lyric that makes my heart sing whenever I hear it: "I'll watch the night turn light blue, but it's not the same without you, because it takes two to whisper quietly. The silence isn't so bad, 'til I look at my hands and feel sad, 'cause the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly." Dammit. That lyric gets me every single time. To me, he paints the most flawless picture of yearning to have the one you love by your side.
Most of his songs have strong intonations of loneliness and need, yet a strong sense of hope. I can completely identify with that. My favorite song on the CD, "If Your Heart Was a House", speaks to me. Look up the lyrics, they express my thoughts verbatim. I feel incredibly lucky; I could hardly ask for more in my life. I'm working toward a career I love, spending time studying subjects I enjoy, and I have an extraordinarily promising future as a doctor. But still, I often find myself wishing I could share it with another person. Someone that you never stop thinking about. I feel forlorn that I don't have someone like that, and I long to find her. I'm a hopeless romantic... as much as a try to suppress it, I can't prevent those feelings from breaking through to the surface. But even though I sometimes feel down, I pick myself back up, with the hope that I will find that perfect person to adore, who will love me as much as I love her.
"Circle me, and the needle moves gracefully back and forth. If my heart was a compass, you'd be north."
Music: Owl City, "If My Heart Was a House"
Medicine: Back and Thorax Anatomy
Anatomy is AMAZING! I can't describe how unbelievable it is to experience anatomy. When we first encountered the cadavers, I admittedly felt a little bizarre about cutting into a human being. But as soon as we started opening him up, I was addicted. There's something inexplicably fulfilling linked to dissecting. You take pride in your work. Raja and I spent a lot of time working on the branches of the axillary artery, clearing away the deep tissue to trace the routes of each vessel. And when we had the chance to crack open the ribs to peer inside to the parietal cavity... it was like opening a gift on Christmas! Yeah, it's a poor analogy (I mean, this is a human's chest we're talking about), but seriously, it was! So the actual dissection is my favorite part. Though cutting and scraping away fat and tissue can be frustrating and requires a lot of patience, the results are very rewarding. That feeling of clarity when you can link something you're studying in a textbook to an actual structure in the body is phenomenal. True, the studying is intense... I have a lot of studying to catch up on this weekend! But it's soooo worth it in the end. I feel extremely privileged to have this chance to learn so much!
I love Owl City. Adam Young, the sole musician of Owl City, puts out amazing beats and lyrics that keep you humming them for weeks. When I first discovered the CD Ocean Eyes, I did exactly that. Recently, I picked the CD back up, and I'm once again hooked. Some of his songs are superficial, fun, and upbeat (like "Dental Care", which is, as the title suggests, entirely about taking care of your teeth and going to the dentist), but many others are incredibly introspective and thought-provoking. His lyrics are witty and well-written, certainly not chock-full of the typical regurgitated platitudes that you hear in 90% of songs out there on the radio waves.
Young uses fantastic imagery. You know the old adage, "A picture is worth a thousand words"? Young uses each word meticulously, painting a vivid picture for the listener, conveying abstract feelings and vibrant colors. For example, "Peer over the edge, can you see me? Rivulets flow from your eyes. Paint runs from your mouth like a waterfall, and your lungs crystallize... I'll travel the subzero tundra, I'll brave glaciers and frozen lakes. And that's just the tip of the iceberg, I'll do whatever it takes". Notice how he uses the expression "tip of the iceberg" in like... the most perfect way? He's great at using language that fits the situation (for example, an icy setting) and ties it in, to communicate a feeling (a willingness to do "whatever it takes"). He makes trite phrases and expressions his bitch, twisting them in a clever way to produce fresh and novel lyrics. Pure awesome. I wish I could write songs like that.
I have to throw out another lyric that makes my heart sing whenever I hear it: "I'll watch the night turn light blue, but it's not the same without you, because it takes two to whisper quietly. The silence isn't so bad, 'til I look at my hands and feel sad, 'cause the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly." Dammit. That lyric gets me every single time. To me, he paints the most flawless picture of yearning to have the one you love by your side.
Most of his songs have strong intonations of loneliness and need, yet a strong sense of hope. I can completely identify with that. My favorite song on the CD, "If Your Heart Was a House", speaks to me. Look up the lyrics, they express my thoughts verbatim. I feel incredibly lucky; I could hardly ask for more in my life. I'm working toward a career I love, spending time studying subjects I enjoy, and I have an extraordinarily promising future as a doctor. But still, I often find myself wishing I could share it with another person. Someone that you never stop thinking about. I feel forlorn that I don't have someone like that, and I long to find her. I'm a hopeless romantic... as much as a try to suppress it, I can't prevent those feelings from breaking through to the surface. But even though I sometimes feel down, I pick myself back up, with the hope that I will find that perfect person to adore, who will love me as much as I love her.
"Circle me, and the needle moves gracefully back and forth. If my heart was a compass, you'd be north."
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Breaks and Anatomy
Mood: Ambitious
Music: The Shins - "Australia"
Medicine: Starting up Anatomy!
Breaks.
As long as they may be, they're never long enough. I've come to the realization that any future "breaks" that I may be so lucky to indulge in will soar by, representing momentary glimpses of what my life once was. This Thanksgiving break was fantastic, of course, but extremely short lived. I wish I could spend more afternoons relaxing, nonchalantly meandering my way through the day. ;)
Of course, I can't say that I regret my decision to pursue a life of learning and servitude. Quite the opposite. I've put all my focus and desire into becoming a doctor since the middle of college. Most everything I did was to accomplish that dream of getting into medical school. And now that I'm in medical school, it's a reality. I love every moment that I spend with my classmates, despite all the studying that needs to be done when I'm with them. It certainly is daunting and exhausting to keep up, but the information that I have learned is invaluable! Not only for myself, but for others. That thought alone makes everything I do right now worthwhile.
Anatomy starts tomorrow. This is both terrifying and exciting, as you may have guessed. I won't be cutting into cadavers until the 1st, but in the meantime, I've got a lot of reading and preparation to do! On the third, I'll actually be presenting my dissection to classmates. So... to summarize... I have to be on top of my shit. Already I feel behind. I've spent most of the day making sure I have all my anatomy textbooks, appropriate dissection equipment, and tools I need to start anatomy off with a resounding BANG. I guess I should start reading now, huh?
When I started this post, I asked myself, what do I expect to gain from my experiences of anatomy? What challenges or fears will I face? From all that I've heard so far from the second years, I'll be losing another huge chunk of my life. Most of the time will be spent in the anatomy lab, in an attempt to grasp the intricate nuances of the human body... and how to name them. I have no doubt that the names themselves will prove difficult. Anyhow. I think what I'm thinking about the most is cutting into the cadaver. Seems kind of crazy. I mean, it was once a live person. Will it be hard for me to be around it? To cut into it? My brain tells me no, as well it should, because I shouldn't be gearing myself up to fail. I know I can do it. But I suppose it's natural that such a foreign affair stirs up some sort of anxiety within me. Nevertheless, I look forward to conquering anatomy!
Undoubtedly, I'll be posting against soon, likely after my first dissection. We'll see. I really want to keep an up to date blog about my experiences with anatomy. Plus, I should probably start writing about music. That'll keep me grounded. I should make sure I take the time out of my day to do that. Not now though. Haha... Next time! And I'll write something less vague and more specific :P Maybe.
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