"Ne te quesiveris extra"

Mood: Confident
Music: The Ataris - "The Hero Dies In This One"
Medicine: Break!

Do not seek yourself outside of yourself.

There is something substantial, yet so simple, in these words. Ralph Waldo Emerson uses this quote in his aptly titled essay, "Self-Reliance", to extricate his belief that one should confide strongly in one's own ideals, and settle for nothing less. To not hold another's opinions to a higher regard than your own. Of course, Emerson was a self-proclaimed nonconformist, yet his words still hold much truth for all of us. He goes on to detail in the essay that successful men- innovative men- pave their own road. They don't doubt themselves. However, though this quote leads Emerson to the interpretation that one should be self-reliant, I can't help but feel that he has partially missed the point.

Moreso than self-reliance, to me, this quote emboldens self-discovery. Do not seek yourself outside of yourself. Do not turn to the outside world and let it define you. That is not who you are. You are who you make yourself, not what others make you. If this is not the case, then as Emerson alludes to, you would be living a meaningless existence. You cannot live for someone else. You must live for yourself, trust your own judgement, believe in yourself. In this respect, yes, self-reliance is a key portion of this statement. But this is only because you must turn within to yourself to know who you are, and how to approach life. Life is learning. We fuck up, we make mistakes, sometimes we even glide through unscathed, but without learning to better one's self, what is there? Without truly believing in one's self, what is there? Doubt? Distrust? Skepticism? Pessimism? How can you believe in others if you do not believe in yourself? How can you love others if you do not love yourself? Love the person you are? The person you have become?

This brings me back a recurring concept I have continued to struggle with time and time again: Confidence. After traveling to other countries to sacrifice my time for others, tutoring dozens of students, leading a company to make decisions that affect the lives of others, and getting accepted into a prestigious medical school... you would think after all that, I would be extremely confident in myself. Yet somehow, I've still struggled to grasp the attribute in its entirety. Recently, this had become a huge problem. I suppose I could say it's from the new realization that as a doctor, I will be held to a higher standard than others. I will be responsible for the lives of others. Perhaps this is what led me to a lack of confidence? Maybe to some extent, but in actuality, it was because I turned outside for all of my answers. The way the world perceived me became too important. I guess several things have happened recently that left me doubting myself, though that never should have been the case. I should not have so easily been swayed to doubt. I need to trust in myself. Trust that my decisions are the correct ones. To believe in what I feel. And to act on it. I second guessed myself too much. But I'm moving forward from here. I've found the strength to speak my mind. I have realized that my thoughts are not trite and cheap. I will listen to my heart with conviction. I will believe in my actions unfalteringly. I will not secede my confidence.

Be your own person, and be confident in who that person is.

Alright, I'll write more about music and medicine later, today I felt like getting that out. Feels good!

"The hardest part isn't finding who we need to be, it's being content with who we are."